Living Life On A $1.96

I want to flee from this place like a deer from the scent of a predator, just keep leaping and bounding till I feel safe once again. Unfortunately the predator is one I'm not programmed for and I'm not responding. I'm a deer caught in the headlights. I hope there's a bump in the road so that I might be free from the lights that mesmerize me.

Deer In Headlights


Is he too stunned or stupid to understand
he doesn’t really have to stay there?

Or does he know full well
what he needs to do, is he wondering
why he can’t and what in the world
is the matter with him, does he reckon

he might deserve to die, if he can’t even do
a simple thing like jump aside


Jim Standish

So, very few blog posts will be coming, I got finals and such, most before finals even start. Actually I'm going to have a week between my 3rd to last final and my last final. I should report them all. finals before finals grr.

Part 6

Another Promise Unfullfilled

Is it not fitting that I should be writing about unfullfilled promises when it's taken me forever to get to writing this and I broke my promises over and over again to get to this point. Maybe I learned it from my mother, who just happens to be the main topic of this post.

The day I decided to conduct this six part post was the day I called my mother. Out of the blue, well semi-out of the blue (kyle had mentioned his dad smoking), I called her up and our conversation went as followed: *some changes have been made.

"Mom"
"Yeah Babe"
"I want to ask you something, it's been awhile since I last asked and I just had an overwhelming need to call you.
"O.k."
"Are you still smoking?"
"Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear or the truth"
"Mom, I always want you to tell me the truth"
"Yes, but I've been under a lot of stress with the MS"
"I know Mom, I just wanted to remind you of your promise to me that you made when we were in Cancun, that you were going to get medicine from Doctor Price and try again"
"I know pumpkin, I know"
"O.k., I just want you to know how concerned I am, and that I'm doing this because I love you"
"I love you too"

that's about were the conversation ended. We have been fighting this battle with her for many years now. She's had half a lung removed and a rib and she still can't stop. She's always reminding us that only she can make the decision to quit. We just keep reminding her that one cigarette a day is just as bad as a pack a day when it comes to cancer. the carcinogens in cigarettes are just initiators in the cancer process. I can't explain how much I worry.

But it's not my worry about cancer that bothered me so much from our conversation it was this statement, "Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear or the truth," the fact that she wanted to lie to me reminds me of how much her nicotine addiction makes her feel bad about herself. Bad enough that she'd want to lie about it. Dear Lord, help her.